Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Random Bits of Randomness

Life in the "real" Brady Bunch is not so peaceful. Don't get me wrong... we do have this down to a science, and we run a pretty tight ship here. Despite our best efforts, however, chaos routinely wins. Here are just a few tidbits that you've missed out on since 2005.

Noah became obsessed with Nacho Libre for about a year. He was only 4. He saw the movie twice in the theater and memorized every line, accent included. I made him a Nacho costume for Halloween, and he wore it for many months. The cape lasted over a year.

Paul tried to turn off the ceiling fan using the string while it was running on full blast. He sliced the bridge of his nose open. The doctor stitched it up very quickly so we wouldn't miss the Harry Potter premier that night. The funny thing was that the trail of blood led from Paul's room, down the hall to his bathroom, and then across the house to the master bedroom where he quietly and calmly informed us he was bleeding (as blood literally spurt out onto the doorjamb). Our house looked like a pick axe murder had taken place. It was perfectly Paul to first examine his wound in the mirror before telling anyone.

Last Christmas, Scott dared Noah to sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" at his school musical. He offered him $5. A full month later, the kindergarteners got to the second verse of Jingle Bells, and Noah belted out the Batman version at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS. The whole audience could hear him. Afterwards, he yelled, "Where's my money, Scott?"

Paul came home crying and told us that a playmate had said he "sucks monkey balls." Scott's fatherly response: "Well, do you?"

I was just about to take a shower one morning and heard the dogs getting into the trash bins below my window.  I yanked the window blinds open to yell at the dogs and realized it was my new neighbor in his side yard making the noise. He saw me naked.

Ocktober drank out of Ashton's glass. When Ashton protested, Ocktober said, "Oh come on. We have the same genes." Ashton seriously replied, "No... you wear Tony Hawks, and mine are Levi's."

Paul and Noah got into a fight. Noah came crying to me that Paul hit him. Paul said, "I didn't hit him, Mom. I just pushed his face lightly."

Ocktober got bored in church and decided to see how much pressure a communion cup could take without breaking. He shot a stream of grape juice straight up into the air. Five minutes before, Micah had fumbled the bread plate and scattered hundreds of tiny pieces of bread all over the pew and floor.

Noah was waiting for Jabba to saunter in the patio door, and he said, "Come on, you fat bastard."

There is a hole in my kitchen ceiling, 10 feet high. We have no idea where it came from, and no one will admit guilt.

Baby Jesus went missing from our nativity scene this year. He was held in captivity for several days. Scott posted a "WDJG" (Where Did Jesus Go) sign until the oldest boys fessed up.

Our kids believe we hire a hidden camera company each year to monitor suspicious activity around our Christmas tree. We put an old computer microphone in one of the ceiling vents (pointed at the tree) and then print out a fake invoice. The kids think people sit in front of screens all day watching their activity around our Christmas tree to prevent snooping, so they put on skits and such. Last year they created a huge light saber battle for the computer microphone to watch, and they hoped for weeks it would show up on YouTube.

Paul hit his head at school. He went to the school nurse and asked her to check if his pupils were "equal and reactive."

Noah: "Would you please call me Commissioner Gordon for the next few days?" Me: "Sure, why?" Noah: "That is on a need-to-know basis."

Paul to Noah: "Our Lego house can only have 7 stairs." Noah replies: "I thought we were doing 17!" Paul (after a long sigh): "It was just a dream, Noah. It wasn't realistic."

Tober to Micah: "Did you hear me laughing on the bus? I couldn't stop." Noah butts in: "Maybe you're becoming the Joker." Micah: "Yeah, now you might start killing people in creative ways."

I noticed one night that Noah had put his favorite Bakugan inside a tiny Rubbermaid container on his dresser. I asked why, and he said, "It's the sleeping place of honor."

Me to Noah when he handed me an ibuprofen: "How did you get the pill out of the bottle?" Noah: "I just pressed the lid firmly and turned counter-clockwise."

Ashton to me: "Why did Dad buy all of those shovels?" Me: "To hide the bodies." Ashton: "Oh." (then back to normal business- no questions asked)

Noah to Scott: "Why do Micah and Hannah need so many shots for school?" Scott: "So they don't give anyone rabies." Micah: "I do NOT have herpes!!!"

Noah: "I have a hard time believing God made saltwater. He made it fresh, then people made it salty a long time ago." Ashton: "God DID make saltwater. He made the oceans." Noah: "Well how do we know the oceans were salty?" Ashton: "Just friggin read GENESIS, ok???"

I was kissing Noah goodnight and said "You'll always be my sweet baby boy." To which he replied: "Well, until I'm a senior citizen, and then you'll probably be dead."

I took Paul to work with me one morning. I introduced him to a coworker, and he said, "Isn't she the one who wants to throw you under the bus?"

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