Thursday, February 18, 2010

Presidential Sex

Check out Noah's "President for a Day" homework. No wonder his teacher looked at me funny.

Missing Glasses

There is NOTHING worse in this house than missing glasses. Well, maybe that time all eight of us got a stomach bug and only had two bathrooms, one of which had a nonfunctioning toilet that we were waiting on a replacement for. We literally all sat around and cried for two days with buckets and trashcans in our laps. Or that time one of the kids got headlice at a sleepover and we had to wash every fabric in the house and treat eight people with RID and nit combs.

Anyway... Paul and Noah were both born with an eye muscle misalignment. They are extremely farsighted and wear glasses that are as thick as coke bottle bottoms. Glasses are 1) completely necessary, 2) expensive, 3) easy to lose, and 4) breakable. Noah goes through an average of four pairs of glasses per year which is a remarkable improvement from the year he went through nine. Noah is on a first name basis with the entire staff at Costco Optical. Last night, I managed to climb in bed before the kids did. I was laying there reading when Noah came to kiss me goodnight. Our routine is "kiss, hug, eskimo kiss, butterfly kiss, fish kiss (with our cheeks sucked in and lips sticking out), big hug, little hug, and medium hug." Before he kissed me, I took off his glasses and laid them on my nightstand. We did our bedtime routine and off he went.

This morning, the glasses were nowhere to be found. They were RIGHT THERE, on my own nightstand, when I went to sleep. I cannot describe how exasperated I was, because I vividly remembered where we last put them. I pulled the nightstand away from the wall, searched the drawers, searched under my bed, searched through my covers (maybe I grabbed them in my sleep or something?), and shook my fist at the sky. Finally, I looked up at the cat tower by my window and saw Mose peering down at me looking, well, like Mose. And Mose is just such a bad cat. I got a chair and looked onto the highest perch which is a large, rimmed circle about 7 feet high. Sure enough, there were the glasses. Along with 3 of my hair accessories, a red straw, a Circle K receipt, a mini-bag of Hot Tamales, and my eyeliner pen that went missing months ago.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Knock Knock

This morning was sadly typical. On a typical morning when I telecommute, I wake the kids up at 6am, and then I try to sleep until 7:30am. That extra hour and a half of sleep means the world to me. The kids are old enough to eat a bowl of cereal, put on the clothes we laid out the night before, and get to the bus stop by 6:55am, right? Unfortunately, they cannot stay away from me. Not even for five minutes. Here is today's rundown.

1) KNOCK KNOCK. Hannah: "Mom, Noah is coughing SO bad this morning. It sounds like he is coughing his lung up." (I told her coughs are always worse in the morning when you first get up.)

2) KNOCK KNOCK. Paul: "Mom, someone left the cap off of the toothpaste and now it looks like cement." (I unplugged it for him.)

3) KNOCK KNOCK. Ashton: "Rach, I need your John Doe on my Friday folder." Me: "You mean my John Hancock? I'm pretty sure you don't want a dead guy on your Friday folder that no one can identify." (I signed it.)

4) KNOCK KNOCK. Noah: "Mommy, I think I just coughed up my lung." (I checked him for a fever, listened to his chest for wheezing, and told him he was fine.)

5) KNOCK KNOCK. Hannah: "Mom, my hair has this huge bump in it and it won't go down." (I sprayed it with leave-in conditioner.)

6) KNOCK KNOCK. Paul: "Mom, I can't find my glasses." Me: "They are on your face, Paul."

7) KNOCK KNOCK. Noah: "Is Bootstrap wearing a cake icing cone on his neck?" Me: "No, it's to keep him from licking his stitches." Noah: "So is there icing in the cone?"

8) KNOCK KNOCK. Hannah: "I have to get picked up early today because Naomi's sister has to be at school early." Me: "Ok." Hannah: "So I have to get picked up early, ok?" Me: "That's what I said." Hannah: "Ok. I'm leaving early today."

9) RING RING. Paul calls my cell phone from the home phone to tell me that he has radio broadcast club today after school.

10) KNOCK KNOCK. Ashton: "Can we open another box of cereal?" (I make them ask permission, otherwise we have about 11 boxes open and they all go stale.)

11) KNOCK KNOCK. Ashton: "Did you sign my field trip permission slip?" Me: "Yes, I signed that on Sunday, and I put it in your homework folder yesterday morning." Ashton: "Ok, where is my homework folder?"

12) RING RING. Hannah calls my cell phone from the home phone to complain that Paul is making obnoxious noises.

13) KNOCK KNOCK. Noah: "Mose keeps trying to get the bird." Me: "Where is he?" Noah: "The bird, or Mose?" Me: "MOSE, obviously, since the bird is in his cage." Noah: "He's laying on top of the birdcage." Me: "Just have Hannah grab him and put him in my room."

14) NO KNOCK- JUST BURSTING INTO MY ROOM. Hannah: "Mose is psychotic. He just jumped out of my arms and broke your red vase." (I vacuumed up the glass.)

15) KNOCK KNOCK. Noah (giggle giggle): "Helo (our boxer) has gas today." (I don't respond.)

16) KNOCK KNOCK. ME: "I give up."

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Visiting Countries

Last night, we were talking about foreign countries. Noah asked me where I've visited. I said, "Germany, Austria, Italy, and Canada." He then said, "What about Ancient Peru?"

Micah was wearing a t-shirt yesterday that said, "fallen angel" in tattoo print. Ocktober said, "Hey, you're a fallen angel." I said, "Micah was never an angel. So he never fell. His shirt should just say "kid who stayed put."

Noah's class was assigned a report on the four seasons about a month ago. It is due tomorrow morning. We've had the instructions hanging on our fridge for weeks, but time has been limited, so we really didn't tackle it until this weekend. I am not a procrastinator, but we've also had science fair projects due and a billion other things I won't list. I feel like I have been sentenced to repeating elementary school, middle school, and high school. Anyway, poor Noah had to finish the report tonight, and when he realized how long it was going to take, he said, "First grade is going to be the death of me."

Lastly, I told the kids tonight not to give Bootstrap anything to eat tomorrow morning because he is getting neutered. Noah said, "What is neutered?" Paul said, "You know, when they chop off the fuzzy dice."