Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Creative Animal Creation

Noah: "I get to design my own desert animal for art."

Paul: "Well have you thought about adaptability to the desert environment? Lack of water? Heat? Predators?"

Noah: "This is supposed to be for FUN, Paul."

Paul: "Well have FUN designing your stupid animal that will die in less than one day of real desert life."

Thursday, August 12, 2010

That New Car Smell

Scott and I were reminiscing last night about our first vehicle together. We bought a brand new, 8 passenger Toyota Sienna right off of the lot about a year after we got married. It was loaded, and we were ecstatic to finally be able to cart our entire family around in one vehicle. Everyone talked about the new car smell but Noah. He was barely four at the time, and he insisted that the new van smelled like meat. For weeks he called it "The Meat Van," and he commented on the "meat smell" every time we got inside. Finally, on the road one evening, Scott lost his patience with the meat comments and said, "Do not EVER call this The Meat Van again. It does NOT smell like meat, Noah. It smells like a NEW CAR. End of discussion." The van was completely silent for a few moments, and then Noah quietly said, "Can I tell a knock knock joke?" Scott reluctantly sighed, "Yes, Noah."

Noah: "Knock knock.
Scott: "Who's there?"
Noah: "Meat."
Scott (after a long pause): "Meat who?"

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Worship With a Touch of Human Anatomy

Paul started getting a little fidgety during church this morning, so I decided to give him an "assignment." My question is written at the top of the page. His responses were quite... Paul. (You can click to enlarge.)

Necessary Precautions

As you may have noticed, Noah is in a bit of a ninja phase. I couldn't help but notice his weapon while he brushed his teeth this morning.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I Wanted Something From the Urinary System.

As a quick reminder if you're one of the few people who haven't read every single post I've ever made from the very beginning (insert sarcasm), Paul Philip is nine years old and the genius of our family. I'm not just saying that- it's been tested. He loves studying blueprints, engine diagrams, maps of outer space, and the human body. Tonight, he lovingly gave me this drawing (you can click to enlarge). The drawing itself is hilarious, but the note is even better. Quite awhile back, I was in the hospital with a kidney infection. Apparently it made a strong impact on my Paul, because he obviously hasn't forgotten it. My favorite part is how he says I "wanted something from the urinary system." I'm not sure what he means by that, but I'm pretty sure it's the first time someone has ever said that about me. I also love that he signed his last name, just in case I forgot what I put on his birth certificate.

More Touching Moments Between Brothers

This morning, Paul was working on a poster about his family. He asked Noah, "What are your hobbies?" Noah replied, "Skating, playing video games, riding my bike, and eating pizza. OH. And being an assassin."

Fast forward about 30 minutes. Noah was drawing a dinosaur with glasses on. Paul said, "As if dinosaurs ever had glasses, Noah." Noah's response? "It's called artistic license, idiot."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Hannah Rose is a bright and talented girl, but sometimes her blondeness makes me feel like a genetic failure. Tonight she told me that she probably wouldn't be up to going on the 7th grade field trip to Washington, D.C., because she "isn't ready to fly overseas."

Jabba the Cat

Anyone who has ever been to our house will remember one thing in particular: noise. Oops, I mean: Jabba. Jabba is the biggest cat I have ever seen, and that's pretty much what everyone else says too. He is 33.5 pounds, not too shy of the world record, and he is solid as a rock. Unassuming visitors will think he's all fur, but after one shocking stroke of his belly, they quickly realize the insanity of their mistake. Jabba walks like a panther, and his paws are huge.  His litter box is a concrete mixing pan from Home Depot. He is fed very expensive low fat food, but a lot of it is honestly his build.  Aside from his ginormity, Jabba is unique because of his personality. He has the disposition of a mastiff. He's laid back, fearless, friendly, nosy, and very, very funny. Jabba likes evening walks around the block in his red wagon. He likes sitting on his back in a vibrating infant bouncy seat. He likes to sleep flat on his back. If Jabba does this in the yard, we get a minimum of twenty vultures circling our house, because they think he is dead.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Now That's Service.

Scott noticed this sign at the movie theater concession area on Friday night. Apparently they offer services in the afterlife.

Animals that Begin With O

Last night, I gave all of the boys haircuts. We like to call it The Manson Family Supercuts. It never really goes smoothly, but there is no way I'm carting so many male spawn to a barber shop and paying $15 each when I can do it myself with some rope, tranquilizing darts, and dog clippers.

I've been doing this for nearly six years now, so we have it down to a science. I move the ottoman. I pull out the haircut stool. I get the clippers (no, they're not really dog clippers). The boys strip down to underwear so there isn't hair all over the laundry. One at a time, they step up to the stool and get buzzed. The older boys always like to give me specific instructions of how they'd like it, and I always agree and nod enthusiastically, but I use the same formula every time: number one on the sides faded up to a number four on top, and a zero around the edges.

Last night, everyone was tired, and the kids started acting antsy and whiny. Anyone who says that all children are precious has never heard our kids whining in unison. It makes you want to gouge out your eardrums with toothpicks and then huff Pledge until you pass out.

I decided it was time for a distraction. The following conversation ensued.

Me: "Ok guys, I've got a bag of M&Ms in the pantry. Whoever guesses the animal I'm thinking of wins it. Your only hint is that it starts with an "O" sound." (Note to reader: SHORT O, like the O in octopus.)

Hannah: "Ostrich."

Me: "Nope."

Micah: "Octopus."

Me: "Nope."

Ashton: "Ocelot."

Me: "No. But I'm impressed."

Noah: "Otter!"

Me: "Nope."

Paul: "ASS with an English accent!!!"

Me: "The answer was ox, but you win the prize for most creativity."