Monday, September 26, 2011

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Another of Noah's ELP reports, completed two weeks after the one posted previously. I think I've detected a pattern here.

Just Go With It

When you're a mom of five boys, you don't question a mallet and Silly Putty on your piano.

Behavior Modification

Noah is in an Extended Learning Program (ELP) for advanced students. He may be advanced academically, but he apparently is still rather behind when it comes to self control. Note "goal for next week" towards the bottom (click to enlarge).

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Confused War Legends

Paul redid his West Virginia travel brochure this weekend to remove the random bidirectional submarine radar and include a segment on a famous West Virginian. He chose Stonewall Jackson and was very excited about it. This morning at breakfast, Paul declared, "My state brochure now includes a famous Civil War hero." Noah immediately blurted out, "Atilla the Hun?!?"

Friday, September 2, 2011

Radar For No Apparent Reason

Paul's state brochure on West Virginia is due today. He showed it to me before leaving for the bus stop, and I couldn't help but notice the center panel. (Click to enlarge).

Monday, August 29, 2011


Upon waking Noah up for school this morning, I noticed that he had taken his own fingerprints yesterday. With a Sharpie. Boys...

Sunday, August 28, 2011

R.I.P. Swamp Killer

Every Sunday night, I get the pleasure of sorting through the kids' "Friday Folders" from school. In the folders, I get behavior reports and then a stack of their work for the week. Noah's Friday Folder is always entertaining. He draws on the back of virtually EVERY homework/classwork assignment. One of tonight's drawings was especially funny. (Click to enlarge.) I love being a mom of boys.

More Funny Kid Quotes

Paul (after getting tagged playing tag outside): "You can't count that! I had to slow down from my asthma."
Noah: "Give me a break! You haven't had an asthma attack since I was like three years old!"

Noah (coughing and spitting after walking past his stepdad weed-wacking): "I just had a piece of grass fly into my mouth at like 200 million miles per hour. I spit it out at about 15."

Paul (randomly): "Wouldn't it be cool if Abraham Lincoln was born in Lincoln, Nebraska?"

Friday, August 12, 2011

Scandals and Boy Band Drama

My brother-in-law, Josh, kid-sat, house-sat, and pet-sat while we were in Illinois for a week. The other night after we got home, Noah asked, "Why did Uncle Josh go out onto the porch by himself sometimes?" I said, "Well, first, he probably wanted some peace and quiet. Second, he smokes, and he didn't want to get the cigarette smell in the house." Noah replied, "Ahhhh. I knew it was probably something scandelous."

Speaking of Josh, he came across this letter Paul wrote to a classmate. The entire subject is hilarious, but it's even funnier when I think of PAUL as the one discussing it.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Few Conversations

Our kids seem to have a gift with words even when they don't intend to be funny. Here are a few snippets from recent conversations.

Paul: "It would have been so cool if George Washington's wife was named Curious. Because her official name would have Curious George Washington."

Hannah: "I once sent a letter to Heaven inside a helium balloon."
Micah: "Well Heaven didn't get it. It probably got found by some dirty old bum."

Noah (after we passed a HUGE metal pipe being hauled by a tractor trailer): I think that was a large electric generator. Or a spaceship component. Or a giant missile of some sort. Thankfully it's pointed away from our house."

Paul: "I need 40 signatures to officially run for office in class council."
Noah: "What are you running for?"
Paul: "Secretary."
Noah: "No... WHY are you running? I'M not even voting for you."

Ashton: "I really like the mirror you hung in my room. I wanted one so I could practice my dance moves. And don't take this the wrong way, but the mirror is so small that I can't see much. Like... I can tell if one leg is moving in rhythm."

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

A Few Noah-Isms

Noah just turned 9, and he still keeps us laughing! Here are a few of his Noah-isms lately:

At Old Navy last Friday night, Noah was very impatient because he was worried that we were going to miss our movie time. The cashier was a perky young girl with a very high-pitched voice, and she was talking my ear off. Towards the end of our transaction, she said to Noah, "So what's your favorite candy?" Noah replied, "Well aren't you the talkative one."

A Noah announcement on Saturday: "Ethan's mom said I can spend the night, but she doesn't know where we live. So I told Ethan to just drive around our town until he sees a driveway with a van, a Prius, and me."

We walked past Abercrombie the other night, and the cologne scent was very strong. Once we got outside, Noah loudly said, "Ahhhhh... the smell of regular air."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Honeybadger Still Don't Care

If you all remember, I adopted a rescue pup from Tucson's Cold Wet Noses recently. He is part sharpei and part English bulldog, and he is all trouble. Since our family LOVES Randall's "Honeybadger Don't Care" video, we named the new dog Honeybadger. Honeybadger fits his name beyond perfecty. And Honeybadger really don't care. So far, Honeybadger has eaten drywall. He has eating the walnut moulding off of our kitchen island. He has eaten our drip system tubing. He has pulled off a 9 foot screen door and run around the yard with its pitiful, bent, screenless frame. He has walked around on our good dining table and left muddy pawprints for proof. He has eaten a blood glucose monitor. He has opened a kitchen drawer, pulled out a box of 1,000 toothpicks, and strewn them all over the floor. He has eaten a heavy duty rubber doorstop and countless pairs of shoes. He got mad at our parrot and lifted his leg on the birdcage. And despite all of this, you know what? We adore him. And he don't care.

Chest Pain

Paul came downstairs clutching the left side of his chest the other night and said, "Mom! I think I have angina." Noah quickly replied, "That's impossible. You're male."

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Downside of Birthdays

Noah: "I wish it was my birthday today."

Hannah: "Noah, every kid wishes it was his birthday every day."

Noah: "But then they would die very, very quickly."

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

More Funny Conversations:

Speaking of watching The Sound of Music, towards the end, when the nuns said they'd sinned and showed the car parts they'd sabotaged from the Nazis, Noah said, "Hey, nobody's perfect. Even you, ugly old nun."

Paul: "Hey Scott, who was the director of Tron?"
Noah: "Dunder Mifflin."

The other night, Hannah kept saying, "Mom... Mom... Mom..." when I was in the middle of something. Paul chimed in with an English accent, "As you can see, THIS exhibit is being ignored by her mother."

I recently told Ashton (our 11 year old juvenile diabetic) that I saw a really pretty girl with an insulin pump at the pool. He solemnly held up his hand and said, "High five." LOL

Monday, June 27, 2011


It's hard to tell in this sneaky cell phone photo, but the figure kneeling in worship at the bottom of the projector screen has his fingers spread apart. While in church yesterday, Noah whispered, "Is is really appropriate for that guy to have jazz hands?"

Accurate Observation

Saturday was a scorching day in Tucson, so the kids and I decided to watch the new blu-ray release of The Sound of Music. When the scene below appeared, Paul said, "Well, she doesn't have anyone to toss THAT thing to."

Monday, June 20, 2011

Speaking of Paul...

Paul was carrying around a backpack the other day, so I asked what he had in there. He said, "All of my special things. Things I want to keep close to me at all times." I decided to take a look that night after he went to bed. The contents were: his two favorite video games, his Kingdom Hearts keyblade chain, his favorite Harry Potter book, his Harry Potter wand, and his pocket Bible from when he was a baby. Oh yeah, and a giant rubber mallet. ??? The other night, Paul asked if he could play on my computer. We have strict parental settings in place, so I told him sure. I peeked in on him after about a half hour, and I found him doing "research" on the internet. In the search bar, he had typed in, "What are the 2 new elements officially added to the periodic table?" That's my boy.

Groceries in Bulk

I took half of the kids swimming a couple of weeks ago, and we decided to go to Costco on the way home. While checking out in line, Paul told the cashier, "We have six kids in our family." Noah quickly chimed in (with total seriousness and concern), "The other three aren't here right now. It's not that they're invisible."

We ended up filling three carts. Notice Noah's rear end hanging over the backseat as we loaded up. This is very typical!

Catching Up

It's been awhile since I've posted, and that's not because I haven't had anything to post about! I try to jot down our randomness as it happens. Here is a summary for your entertainment!

We decided to go out for dinner the other night, and Paul asked me the following three random questions in a matter of two minutes: What is the formula for radioactivity? Why is platinum so expensive? If water is H2O, would H3O be an unstable molecule?

I noticed Noah running back and forth across the kitchen with his eyes closed. When I questioned him, he said, "If you close your eyes and run very quickly, it feels like you're teleporting."

I whacked my ankle against a corner and admittedly shouted a LOUD obscenity. I then heard Noah yell downstairs, "I'll pretend I didn't hear that due to the level of agony you were experiencing."

Paul (looking at a cave painting on History Channel): "Eww. Those people just walked around naked?" Ashton: "No, they were Native Americans, which means they wore butt flaps."

Hannah ripped off a piece of skin that she had scraped earlier that day. She ran towards Paul with it, and he said, "Don't chase me with your carnage!!!"

Hannah: "What's an apparition?" Paul: "It comes from the word APPEAR. It's a noun for something that APPEARS. Think about it."

With wildfires burning in Arizona, fire has been a common subject of discussion amongst the kids. The other night Paul said, "You know, if you want to make a smokeless fire, all you need to do is burn dried animal droppings. You heard me. DRIED ANIMAL DROPPINGS."

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Bugs and Aerodynamics

Noah's 2nd grade music program was last night. It was a play about bugs. Noah was thrilled to win the part of "Bug #26." I asked him if he needed a costume, and his enthusiastic reply was, "Yes! And I got to pick out which insect I wanted to be!" I said, "Thank goodness. How about a black widow spider?" I was thinking it would be easy to just dress him in black and give him a red hourglass on his tummy. He said, "No, I already picked it out and told Miss Ladd. I'm going to be a cockroach!!!" I asked why (WHY?), and he said it was because 1) cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout, and 2) cockroaches can live for 8 days if you cut off their heads. (Is that true???) Anyway, a cockroach it had to be. Last night at the musical, the stage was filled with the most adorable butterflies, bumblebees, caterpillars, and ladybugs. Alas, there was one cockroach in the front row. Leave it to Noah.
Paul declared this morning that he needs to earn some money this summer. I said, "I'll try to think of a chore you can do every week for some spending money." He said, "Actually, I'm thinking about becoming a notary."

Today was Paul's field trip to the Pima Air and Space Museum. I got to be a chaperone. Actually, I had to be a chaperone because, in his short career, Paul has locked down the school twice in addition to the desert museum. While at the museum, the kids got to attend a few educational sessions. One of the sessions was on aerodynamics and the components of flight. Paul knew every single term before the instructor said it: lift, drag, thrust, etc. The instructor said, "Wow, you must have been here recently!" Paul said, "No, this is just my area of expertise."

Friday, April 29, 2011

Fat Cat Fun

Last night, I glanced over at the couch and noticed that Jabba was sitting upright like a human, legs wide apart, his udder proudly displayed for the world to see. It was the perfect opportunity for a funny photo. Enjoy!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Hit List

I am fairly certain that I'm a prominent character in a murder-for-hire fantasy belonging to my oldest son. Tober hates me right now. I mean really, truly loathes me. Why, you may ask? Because I turned off his cell phone. Permanently. Alas, after repeatedly warning him to turn his phone off at bedtime, he continued to text his girlfriend well into the wee hours of the morning on school nights. Wiping his phone memory didn't exactly pay off when I could look up the usage on BUSTED. The good news is that 1) I'm saving $24 per month on my family plan, 2) Micah broke his phone so now we have a free replacement device, and 3) maybe Tober will start using all of that pent up texting energy to start properly using his insulin pump.

On a funnier note, I bought Noah a stuffed anaconda at the Phoenix Zoo last weekend. Last night when I was giving him bedtime kisses, he said, "Wait! Let Spotty give you your goodnight strangle."

Friday, April 22, 2011

Parenting Fail

Noah (2nd grade) and Paul (4th grade) had to make alphabet books this week. I really want to die.

Noah's letter B:

Paul's letter C:

If you don't understand Paul's letter C, then watch this:

Friday, April 15, 2011

Poetic Inspiration

Last night, Hannah was feeling sentimental and decided to write me a poem to hang in my office. She asked, "What is a pretty word that begins with the letter I?" Paul quickly answered, "Index. Intestines. IGNEOUS!!!" 

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Baritones, Seashells, and Wheel of Fortune

The other night, Paul was practicing his baritone in the kids' rec room. Scott told him that it was time for bed, but Paul continued to blare the same sound over and over. Finally, Scott marched into the room to see what the holdup was. Paul had stuffed a Nerf ball into the bell of his baritone to see if he could blow it out.

We visited San Diego for a friend's birthday a few weeks ago. It was the day after the mini-tsunami struck there in southern CA due to the Japan quake. With seashells everywhere, I started gathering quickly to add to Hannah Rose's collection. (Sidenote: I'm a little obsessed with seashells since I didn't even visit an ocean for the first time until I was 25.) I finally had a towel-full and carried them back to the resort. I carefully washed them all, dried them, put them in a plastic hotel laundry bag, tied it shut, and packed it away safely in my suitcase with great care to make sure none of its contents were crushed.  Fast forward a few weeks to when I actually had time to unpack. I was excited to remember the shells and promptly gave them to Hannah as a surprise. Little did I know that there had been a CRAB in one of the shells when I collected it. The poor crab had died and been decaying inside the plastic for three weeks. Hannah eagerly opened her bag of sea shells... and immediately threw up on her bed from the smell. Fail.

The other night, we were watching Wheel of Fortune. This is a bit of a family tradition, and the kids are actually pretty good at it. Anyway, there was a female contestant whose voice sounded like she was either 1) on helium, 2) a cartoon character, or 3) a three year old girl. At one point in the game she said, "I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat." Noah chimed in and said, "Hey lady, why don't you buy an adult voice while you're at it."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

More Balls

As I mentioned earlier this month, Noah got in trouble for using the word "balls" inappropriately in school. The day after he had to write sentences about it, he came home and had to write, "Using ANY word to describe testicles is not appropriate in school." I had a long talk with Noah about how certain things are private and just not cool to talk about. He was on his best behavior for a little while. Later that week, our new dog Honeybadger was scheduled to be neutered. At the last minute, the vet called and had to reschedule his appointment. That night, we had meatballs for dinner. Noah blurted out, "This is the perfect meal to celebrate Honeybadger getting to keep his balls today." I give up.

More Random Conversations

Paul: "Mom, I was filling in my calendar just now. I don't want to alarm you, but your birthday falls on a full moon this year. Which may make you a werewolf."

Noah (after a missing child poster is shown on TV): "Why would someone want to kidnap a kid? We're adorable and entertaining, but we're pretty useless for information."

Scott: "I'm starting my diet tomorrow."
Paul: "FINALLY. It's about time."
Scott: "Gee thanks, Paul. I'm not THAT fat."
Paul: "Let me put it to you this way. If my belly is a lake, your belly is a vast ocean."

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Desert Animals, Taco Bell, and Balls

I just returned from a business trip to Washington, D.C., so I decided it would be fun to take the kids to the Sonoran Desert Museum. Scott waited at the doorway of the reptile exhibit, because he can't handle snakes. Noah was fascinated with a particular rattlesnake, so I told him to lean towards the glass for a picture. "Closer, Noah. Ok... a little closer. Ok, put your face right up to the glass. Good. Oh! Be careful of that little hole there where the snake can crawl out." He bolted across the room with amazing speed. It was very, very funny.

On the way home from the museum, we decided to stop at Taco Bell for dinner. Hannah had been talking in the van about how she needed to use the restroom, so I assumed it was her that walked in right after me. While I was in my stall, I didn't hear the sound of her pulling a seat cover from the dispenser. Horrified, I said, "You SERIOUSLY don't use the seat covers??? That is SO disgusting!!!" Turns out it wasn't Hannah. Doh!

Last night, Noah told me he had to write 25 sentences in his best penmanship for homework. That seemed like an awful lot for 2nd grade. Curious, I looked over his shoulder while he worked. He had to write the same sentence 25 times. It read, "I will not use the word BALLS inappropriately at school."

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine from a Child Genius

This is amazingly sweet, especially coming from Paul!

I Love You, But Not That Much...

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Noah was so excited to hand out his Tron Legacy valentines today. He especially loved the Tron pencils they came with. See my valentine below:

Friday, February 11, 2011

Earth's Destruction

A friend sent me a link to Impact Earth which is an online asteroid impact simulator. I showed it to Paul, and I think he's addicted. He has had so much fun with that thing. He came running into the living room last night and said, "By using a shallow impact angle, I designed a skipping stone the size of the Empire State Building!"

Noah vs Shirts

As I've said in a previous post, Noah tends to be very hard on shirts. He manages to destroy clothing more quickly than I ever believed was possible. He once cut ALL of his t-shirts into V-necks because he "wanted to look like Simon Cowell." Earlier this year, he managed to shred his shirt at school with scissors. Earlier this week, he tied his sleeves into a knot so tight that we never did get it undone. Earlier today, he came home with ketchup all over his white shirt. He says it got there "because it's so windy outside."

Monday, February 7, 2011

They Say the Darndest Things.

A few highlights from the weekend:

A lady in line at Costco asked me if I knew if a certain clothing brand there runs small. I said I had no idea. She said she was buying a 12 but worried she should've grabbed a 14. Paul piped in, "Probably should've gone with the 14."

Noah hugged me and said, "You're the most beautiful mommy in the world. Or at least Pima County. Or our neighborhood." (Notice how the compliment got smaller and smaller.)

During dinner last night, Bootstrap started making passionate love to a stuffed animal. Tober said, "Cool. Dinner and a show."

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Cold Snap

We woke up this morning to a temp of 14 degrees. I grew up in the Midwest so this should not be unbearable for me, but it is amazing how quickly a person acclimates to a new place. My kids are Arizona natives, so they were even more miserable than I was with the freezing temperature. Noah was the first out the door to the bus stop. Not even a minute later, he came running back in the front door and said, "Mom, you're going to have to drive us to school. If I stand out there again, my nuggets are going to freeze off."

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Maestro vs Jabba

Maestro the Bunny has laid claim on our living room ottoman. The other night Jabba decided to rest there, and an epic battle ensued. Fortunately for Maestro, Jabba is a very patient and very peaceful, nonviolent cat.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Natural Air Freshener

I walked into Micah and Ashton's room yesterday and was immediately disturbed. Why? It smelled GOOD. That never happens. Normally I am searching the house for days looking for the source of foul smells, and the culprits have varied from a rotting open can of green beans in a bathroom cabinet to a dresser drawer full of soggy, molding Pull-Ups. I've learned the hard way that no matter how clean and tidy parents are, boys are by nature disgusting. Back to the GOOD smell... I couldn't find the source at first, but I finally located it. There was a grocery sack under Ashton's bed containing 14 lemons. No idea how or why.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Martin Luther King Day

Paul asked yesterday why there are "black holidays" but no "white holidays." I told him MLK Day isn't so much a "black holiday" but rather celebrates a man who did great things for civil rights. Paul thought about it for a little while and said, "Well, I guess President's Day used to be a white holiday."

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Catching Up, Spiders, and College

It has been awhile since I posted anything, and that's mainly because I no longer possess any concept of time. Every day seems to blur into another when life gets this busy. Here are a few highlights:

(This morning)
Paul: "There is an EXTREMELY large brown recluse spider in the rec room."
Me: "Brown recluses are really small, Paul, so it's probably a wolf spider or something."
Paul: "They are small unless they've MUTATED. This one has mutated."
Me: "I'm sure someone will smack it. I'm not going in there."
When I went downstairs, I noticed this sign on the rec room door:

(Saturday... conversation after both Paul and Hannah come upstairs bawling)
Hannah: "Paul kicked me in the stomach!!!"
Paul: "She ripped me out of the chair and broke two of my cervical vertebrae!!!"
Hannah: "I SO did not."
Paul: "I could be paralyzed for life now!!!"
Me: "Paul, if you can walk up the stairs, you're not paralyzed."
Paul: "Well the membranes haven't started swelling yet. NOAH! Get me a bag of ice!"

Two weeks ago, a certain child of mine (who I've sworn not to reveal but know everyone can guess) got sent to the principal's office again. And proceeded to lock down the school. Again. He was in a disagreement with his teacher about the length of a year on a certain planet. He finally requested a copy of her college degree. She, in turn, sent him to the principal's office. He, in turn, decided it would be best to make a detour to the school library to find a book and prove his point. When his teacher called the principal to get a status update, my son couldn't be found. Hence locking the school down again. Once found, he stated that it wasn't that he didn't believe his teacher had a college degree. He just wanted to write a letter to the college dean and tell him "they need to spend a little more time on the astronomy section."